Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone! This is our first holiday without our son. We are sad, but I like to think of him up in Heaven partying with the angels and saints celebrating the Resurrection.

Take care everyone and keep praying. I'm still not feeling so well.

You Are My Life Saver

"You came early, as much as I didn't want you to, but you saved my life. You knew you had to come early before I got too sick and I put my body in a life threatening situation to save you. You are my life saver. You made every minute of this pregnancy worth it."

I found these words in a blog by another mom who had a very similar story to me. This is exactly how I feel about Peter. Though my heart is broken, he saved my life by coming out early. If only I could have saved his. 

One thing I have really struggled with is that for a while I felt like I didn't do enough for him. I was completely ready to keep fighting for him to stay inside of me. Just like any mother, I would have sacrificed my life for him. Thankfully the doctors would not let me do that. He was already beginning to have drops in heart rate since my body was in such bad shape. This caused the doctor to decide to do the emergency c-section. When I feel I can, I will add the story of how I got to that point. Had they not done so, I would have started to go into organ failure and possibly a coma.

Though I have started to move past feeling guilty for making him be born so early, I still have moments where I think I didn't do enough or that somehow I caused his death. When this happens, my family jumps on me for this because it is so wrong. 

It is so amazing that I did not give a second thought to my own well-being when my son was in danger. It is is beautiful what I went through and continue to go through for my son. In a society that devalues life, family and suffering, I am proud to be a witness to the power of suffering. I continue to feel the effects of Peter's life and death in my mind, body, heart and soul. The preeclampsia that took his life still exists in my body, although it is not as dangerous anymore. And I'm ok with that. Because the world could always use a little extra redemptive suffering.

Tears are good

I used to be afraid to show my emotions to anyone. I would hide away and cry. But that was before Peter. My mother's heart cannot hold it in anymore. And I know that my tears show my love for him. Each one is seen by him and by my heavenly Mother and Father.

A week or two after I was released from the hospital, I was really struggling at night time. The time after my husband fell asleep and I fell asleep (usually 2-3 hours because of insomnia) was torture because then my thoughts would return to the night Peter died. It was dark, quiet and warm in the NICU and I still struggle at night. I would quietly cry myself to sleep as I remembered over and over the feeling of his limp, cool body on my chest; as his chest gently stopped moving. I still struggle to even think about that night. It's like I have a complete mental block.

That particular night, as I was sobbing, in between waking and sleeping, I had a vision. I saw myself crying really hard from the deepest recesses of my heart and tears just pouring down my cheeks. Then I saw an angel come down to me carrying a fancy silver bowl, the kind you would find in a palace. As I cried, the angel collected every one of my tears in the bowl and then took the bowl up to Heaven. The angel offered the bowl to God, who was seated on His throne. Peter was on his lap. As God took the bowl, Peter got this huge smile on his face and looked up at God. Then I fell asleep.

This has comforted me because the tears still sometimes fall unceasingly. Although I am tempted to brush them off as being too emotional, all we have to do is look at the Bible and see that Jesus cried. The son of God who is perfect in every way still cried when his friend Lazarus died. Even though he knew that he was going to raise him up from the dead. Is God not crying with us when we are sad? I sure like to think so.