I have been getting by lately. Not doing great, but not doing terrible. We made it through Father's Day (which was the same day as our 1 year anniversary) pretty well. It's been about 4 1/2 months and I am starting to move on some. And I don't feel guilty. I love Peter, and I will always miss him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and miss him to the depths of my heart. But I hear him telling me that it is time to move on.
People still tiptoe around the subject. I appreciate the concern for my feelings, but don't worry about bringing him up. It's not like you are bringing up some subject I have forgotten. I will never forget my son, or losing him, for that matter. I am trying to move on with my life and look forward, but he is never far from my mind.
That being said, I am trying to bring myself to order the headstone. Everyone around me is ready for it, but I feel like it will be so final. Maybe I am not ready yet to accept that he is gone and buried. I know there is no rush, but I just can't figure out what my hesitation is. In the meantime, we made a beautiful stepping stone to keep at his grave with his name and dates.
I guess I thought I had moved on more. We had thought for a little while about trying to get pregnant again, but we decided it was still too early. I need to get a job, but I'm not sure if I am ready.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
It's been a while
I know it's been a while since I posted. See, the thing is that I have not had much to say. We made it through Mother's Day, Petey's due date on June 1, and Father's day is fast approaching. I also took a trip with my parents to Florida, which was really nice. Somehow I have finally settled into an existence that is not unbearable. It's just the constant buzz of dull pain.
Don't get me wrong, I have had some really good and really bad days. But things are getting slowly better. We are looking more toward the future and are taking comfort in the friendship on which our marriage is based. I really love my husband and he gets me a lot more than I realized. This Sunday, which is also Father's Day, we will have been married for a year.
Most married couples never go through as much as we have in their entire lives. For some reason, God thinks we can handle it. I'm not sure if I agree with Him, but I trust Him. I have been job hunting for a couple months, but have had 3 interviews and no job. I had a really weird interview yesterday that made me wonder if it was worth looking for a job. Sure, we could really use the money, but I have lost the spark inside of me that used to make me such a good salesperson. That must have died with Petey. I hope I can get it back somehow.
Thinking about another child does not scare me to death anymore. I keep thinking of the promise we made at our wedding to be open to life and a family. Yes, it would be really scary and anxious, and I will wait until we are cleared by the doctor, but it doesn't make me shake uncontrollably thinking of it. I could have the preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome again. But maybe I wouldn't. Having our rainbow baby might go a long way to heal us. Just a thought.
My fluid is going down, but my weight is not. I'm starting to look more normal now. Making progress helps me feel more normal.
I'll write more later, but I just wanted to update here. I wish you God's abundant blessings!
Don't get me wrong, I have had some really good and really bad days. But things are getting slowly better. We are looking more toward the future and are taking comfort in the friendship on which our marriage is based. I really love my husband and he gets me a lot more than I realized. This Sunday, which is also Father's Day, we will have been married for a year.
Most married couples never go through as much as we have in their entire lives. For some reason, God thinks we can handle it. I'm not sure if I agree with Him, but I trust Him. I have been job hunting for a couple months, but have had 3 interviews and no job. I had a really weird interview yesterday that made me wonder if it was worth looking for a job. Sure, we could really use the money, but I have lost the spark inside of me that used to make me such a good salesperson. That must have died with Petey. I hope I can get it back somehow.
Thinking about another child does not scare me to death anymore. I keep thinking of the promise we made at our wedding to be open to life and a family. Yes, it would be really scary and anxious, and I will wait until we are cleared by the doctor, but it doesn't make me shake uncontrollably thinking of it. I could have the preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome again. But maybe I wouldn't. Having our rainbow baby might go a long way to heal us. Just a thought.
My fluid is going down, but my weight is not. I'm starting to look more normal now. Making progress helps me feel more normal.
I'll write more later, but I just wanted to update here. I wish you God's abundant blessings!
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