I've been pretty quiet on this blog since I found out I was pregnant. I think that is mostly because I have not even been sure how to describe this journey.I thought I was doing really well on my grief journey, feeling better adjusted and getting back to normal. Looking to the future and dreaming about giving Peter a little brother or sister. Then I got that positive pregnancy test and I was suddenly awash in the grief again.
Any pregnancy is going to be full of emotions and hormones, but there is no way I could have prepared for the onslaught of emotion I would experience. Happy, sad, excited, terrified...all at once sometimes! Losing my son Peter is the hardest thing I have ever had to face, but this pregnancy has been the second hardest. My unborn son David has wrapped his tiny arms around my heart, for better or worse. I have no idea what to expect, but I choose to love him with all my heart.
It was difficult getting to the 22-24 week mark, where I was hospitalized and had Peter in my last pregnancy. I developed high blood pressure and a nasty headache at 23 weeks that sent me to the hospital for a couple days. Talk about having triggers! But we held it together and rejoiced when I was allowed to go home on modified bed rest. Getting to week 25 was such a relief, and everything since then has been new to me.
As I begin the third trimester, there have been a lot of checkups and
tests. Considering my history, this is not too surprising. It started
with a visit to my high risk doctor every month, then it was every 2
weeks, now I'm in there every week. I am keeping track of my blood sugars, blood pressure, food diary, amount of water (a gallon a day), taking 2 different shots, getting blood drawn every 2 weeks, doing 24 hour urine collections and waiting with bated breath for the call when they tell me something has gone wrong.
I'm also feeling strong kicks that shake my belly, and watching my belly grow far bigger than I thought it could. I'm rejoicing each time I see my little son on the ultrasound and he's growing up big and strong. I'm trying to stay positive that there are no signs of preeclampsia yet and my blood pressure has been amazingly good. I'm eating everything in the house and then some, and trying to get all my baby gear together.
I'm also trying to figure out how to keep Peter special in my life while keeping my focus on David. I know it's not healthy to stay so attached to the past, but it hurts to think I may have to let go of him some. David needs me, and he needs to feel special, not overshadowed by his big brother's memory. I'll always love and miss my firstborn, but I know that he is safe in the arms of Jesus. I still cry and acutely feel the pain of losing him, but I know he wants me to live in the present moment, not stuck in the past. I so wish I could have both of my boys with me, and it pains me that David will not get to know his big brother. That's the paradox of pregnancy after loss, the past and the future are constantly tugging at you for your focus, when you know that the best place to focus is in the present.
As for me, I'm choosing to live in the present because it is all I have right now. I will update more as I get closer, but barring any complications, David will be born in late November/early December around 36-37 weeks via c-section. When that happens, all the pain, frustration and discomforts will be worth it and he will finally be in my arms. Any prayers you can send our way would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Friday, September 26, 2014
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Sweet Dreams!
I have to share with you the most amazing gift I was given last night. As you read in the last post, I have been having some trouble lately having hope for this new baby and some of the grief over losing Peter has come back. It hasn't been horrible, but I've been in a bit of a funk.
Well last night I received the most precious gift I have received since losing Peter. He came to visit me in my dreams. I was having another dream and all of a sudden this dream interrupted the other one:
I was lying in my childhood bed (a cast iron daybed) and he was standing next to it near where my head was. In the dream, he was about 6-7 years old and he was wearing a white robe. His brown hair was somewhat long, but I knew instantly it was him. He had the sweetest smile on his face, and I told him that I really missed him. He said he missed me too, but not to worry because we would be together again. He said some other things that I do not remember, and then I blinked and he was gone. Then the rest of my other dream continued.
I really believe that this was my precious son visiting me and not just a dream. There was something ethereal about him and he just seemed so beautiful and holy. Just last night I was thinking about how I was starting to move on and didn't think about him as much anymore. It made me feel kind of sad, but I am taking this dream to mean that he's really okay about it and wants me to move on and love this new baby. When I woke up, I was in tears and feel emotional every time I think of it. This just proves what a sweet boy he is. I love him so much!
Monday, June 30, 2014
2nd Trimester Begins...
As soon as I finished the last post about trusting God to take care of us I knew there would be a point where I would come back to reality and to my fears. That time has come. The thing about trusting God is that it is a daily, hourly or even by-the-minute decision to push out fear and let in hope. You do not just make a one-time decision and that's it.
Suddenly more triggers have come up for me. I just hit the 14 week mark in my pregnancy, which means I am officially in the 2nd trimester. The second trimester also happens to be the time when my preeclampsia came on, which led to losing Peter at 24 weeks.
Suddenly things are not so far off. Just about 2 months until I can get preeclampsia again. Just about 22 weeks until baby will be here if they deliver me at 36 weeks as planned. Not really things that I should be thinking or worrying about, but here they are in my mind. These are just the kind of things I have been trying to stop thinking about.
On top of it, my parents came and helped us move some furniture into our spare room to make it more guest-friendly and storage-friendly. The talk turned to where the crib will go and I realized very quickly how not ready I am for all of this. Can we just push the pause button and take a break?
And then on top of it, we realized that yesterday in the Catholic Church was the feast day of Sts. Peter and Paul, the Apostles. It took me back to our honeymoon in the Vatican where Nick and I ended up in St. Peter's Basilica celebrating Mass for the very same feast. And afterward, as we walked in St. Peter's Square, Nick asked me if we could name our first born son Peter. There it was, we had named our first child that we would not even conceive until 3 months later, and that we would get only 2 days with in this life. It was the emotional equivalent of being knocked down by a huge wave.
Anyone who has grieved a loss will tell you that there will be times when you are doing so well and then out of nowhere a huge wave of grief will overcome you. It felt like a punch to the gut, and I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball.
I pulled it together enough to make it out to dinner with some friends from church and there was a couple there about 8 years younger than us. I ended up telling them about our story and about how God kept calling us to trust him more. So despite my total weakness I was chosen to witness about God's love. That has to count for something, right?
I'm not sure what the purpose of this post was except to update where I am at the moment. I made you a promise to keep writing whether the news was good or bad, and I will keep that promise. At the moment, I know I need to fill up my emotional tank and then maybe I will be able to spell it out a bit more. So until then, see you on the web!
Suddenly more triggers have come up for me. I just hit the 14 week mark in my pregnancy, which means I am officially in the 2nd trimester. The second trimester also happens to be the time when my preeclampsia came on, which led to losing Peter at 24 weeks.
Suddenly things are not so far off. Just about 2 months until I can get preeclampsia again. Just about 22 weeks until baby will be here if they deliver me at 36 weeks as planned. Not really things that I should be thinking or worrying about, but here they are in my mind. These are just the kind of things I have been trying to stop thinking about.
On top of it, my parents came and helped us move some furniture into our spare room to make it more guest-friendly and storage-friendly. The talk turned to where the crib will go and I realized very quickly how not ready I am for all of this. Can we just push the pause button and take a break?
And then on top of it, we realized that yesterday in the Catholic Church was the feast day of Sts. Peter and Paul, the Apostles. It took me back to our honeymoon in the Vatican where Nick and I ended up in St. Peter's Basilica celebrating Mass for the very same feast. And afterward, as we walked in St. Peter's Square, Nick asked me if we could name our first born son Peter. There it was, we had named our first child that we would not even conceive until 3 months later, and that we would get only 2 days with in this life. It was the emotional equivalent of being knocked down by a huge wave.
Anyone who has grieved a loss will tell you that there will be times when you are doing so well and then out of nowhere a huge wave of grief will overcome you. It felt like a punch to the gut, and I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball.
I pulled it together enough to make it out to dinner with some friends from church and there was a couple there about 8 years younger than us. I ended up telling them about our story and about how God kept calling us to trust him more. So despite my total weakness I was chosen to witness about God's love. That has to count for something, right?
I'm not sure what the purpose of this post was except to update where I am at the moment. I made you a promise to keep writing whether the news was good or bad, and I will keep that promise. At the moment, I know I need to fill up my emotional tank and then maybe I will be able to spell it out a bit more. So until then, see you on the web!
Monday, June 23, 2014
Letting love in
I have changed since I started this blog over a year ago. It is much harder to write now than it used to be. I used to be very open about my grief, mostly because I had no choice. It was there constantly, and the only way to alleviate some of the feelings floating around in my head would be to write about them. Now that I am pregnant again it seems that I have been much more private about my feelings. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism, but it does not mean that I will not write. Even if I have to start the blog several times before I like it, I am determined that I will get my story out there for other mommas who need the encouragement and for others to shatter the silence there is around this subject.
It took a lot of courage for me to announce my pregnancy. I have not been able to celebrate too much until recently. My fear and anxiety nearly got the best of me. No one could really realize how different pregnancy is after you have lost your baby unless you have lived it. Thankfully, I have a few friends who have been there, and one who is traveling the road with me step by step.
The thing is, when you get pregnant for the first time, there are so many expectations, hopes and dreams. When you lose a baby or a young child, it is a loss unlike any other because you not only lose them, but you lose all your hopes and dreams for their future. You lose the chance to know them, and as you go along there is an almost palpable feeling that a part of your life is missing. Part of your heart is missing and nothing, not even other children, can fill that emptiness.
When I found out I was pregnant this time, it was almost a feeling of shock and numbness. It took weeks before I could accept that I was indeed pregnant, and my first feeling was fear, not hope. Fear is a feeling that has followed me the whole time. What if I have a miscarriage? What if I get preeclampsia again? What if God takes this baby, too? I have allowed myself to feel, but not necessarily dwell on, these questions. It is hard to get emotionally attached when you are not sure if your heart will be broken in two again.
As I move along, I have come to realize that God calls us to live in hope and not in fear. Love is not just a flowery feeling for Valentine's Day. True love chooses to keep loving even though there is a chance of getting hurt again and again. This child inside of me does not need my fear, he or she needs my love. So I have chosen to take the risk of loving he or she even though I know that things could go wrong again.
God's grace has helped me to come to this decision. Our ultrasound pictures included one that looks like our baby is smiling at us, which I took as a sign that it was time to move past the fear and step out in faith.
Such a sweet smile captured my heart! I know it will not be easy, but this child deserves my love and my devotion. Even if the unthinkable happens, I know that I will feel so much worse if I did not let this child into my heart. And that is enough for me :)
Friday, June 13, 2014
I'm still here!
It's been almost 3 months since I've published anything. It's not that I've been unwilling to write. I've written this post at least 2-3 times. I've felt the need to protect and insulate myself for a little while. We've got a game changer, a beautiful, unthinkable gift from above that we've been praying for and afraid to accept for at least a year!
I'm PREGNANT!!!!
God let Peter help pick out a little brother or sister from Heaven to send us. And our sweet little son gave his sibling a kiss on the cheek and sent him or her down to us. We found out Easter weekend, and I am now almost 12 weeks along.
They call the child you bear after the loss of a baby the rainbow baby. This is because you have lived through the storm and God gives you a rainbow when the sunshine comes back out. Our rainbow is on the way, due December 28, 2014. Because of my health issues, they will deliver at about 36-37 weeks, so sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Hallelujah!
I was not ready at first to say anything about our gift, for fear of losing this one too. It has been a very anxious, emotional journey so far, and I am sure it will continue. At first, I was not ready to believe it; for I was sure that I would miscarry and we would be left alone again. Then we could tell close friends, but now I'm finally ready to shout it from the rooftops!!
Things have been so completely different that I almost don't recognize it. Last time, I was sick, swollen, and had moderately high blood pressure the whole time. This time I have lost 5 lbs, barely had morning sickness, and my blood pressure has been low at times. It has led me to be slightly nervous at how well things are going. I'd say at the moment we are cautiously optimistic.
You may have noticed that I changed the blog name back to just "Tears for Peter". I did that because I will be focusing more on the issue of pregnancy after a loss. Some healthy things may make their way into the blog, but I feel the need to write more about this. That's all I have time for right now, but there will definitely be more writing coming soon! Just wanted to share my wonderful news!!!!
Take care,
Lauren <3
Thursday, March 27, 2014
1st Anniversary and 3000 Pageviews Giveaway!!!
Congratulations to contest winner Margaret Mary M!
Wow!! I can't believe that I have made it to 3000 page-views in only a year! Today is the 1 year anniversary of my first post, and look where things have gone from there! In honor of my anniversary and reaching 3000 page-views, I am going to have a giveaway!!!
Here are the details. As a part of this contest, I am including a shameless plug for our Amazon online storefront. All you have to do is click the link to look at our inventory and choose your favorite item that you would like to win. Then, come back here and post a comment to this blog post telling me what you would like to win. I'll choose the winner on Tuesday, April 1 (April Fools Day!), and they will win their favorite item! You have until midnight on Monday, March 31, to post your comment. Also, when you comment, give your email, website or some sort of contact so I can get in touch with you to send out your prize!
In the unlikely event that your favorite item sells before the contest is over, I will purchase one and send it to you.
Now, here's the good stuff! (and feel free to shop if you see something you can't do without!)
Click here to get to our storefront: Doud Books!
Here are the details. As a part of this contest, I am including a shameless plug for our Amazon online storefront. All you have to do is click the link to look at our inventory and choose your favorite item that you would like to win. Then, come back here and post a comment to this blog post telling me what you would like to win. I'll choose the winner on Tuesday, April 1 (April Fools Day!), and they will win their favorite item! You have until midnight on Monday, March 31, to post your comment. Also, when you comment, give your email, website or some sort of contact so I can get in touch with you to send out your prize!
In the unlikely event that your favorite item sells before the contest is over, I will purchase one and send it to you.
Now, here's the good stuff! (and feel free to shop if you see something you can't do without!)
Click here to get to our storefront: Doud Books!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Chemical free Skin! (and giveaway details!)
I want to share about how my skin has gotten so much better by switching to non-commercial skin products. I was so surprised at how quickly things can clear up.
Here are the things I have changed:
Now, I urge you try this, especially if you have problems with your skin. And below I am partnering with Amazon to show you which types of products I am using. If you do give it a try, please comment below and let me know how it goes!
And...drumroll...
Tomorrow at 8:00 AM, I will be posting details about a giveaway I am having to celebrate 1 year of blogging and 3000 pageviews!!! Thank you all and stay tuned!
Here's the black soap:
And the coconut oil:
Of course, you can use any brand, but these are the ones I have been using. Happy and beautiful faces!
Here are the things I have changed:
- Changed from acne soap (Neutrogena) to using black soap on face
- Changed from using regular body wash to using black soap on body
- Changed from using regular lotion to using coconut oil on face and body
- Changed from using traditional laundry detergent to chemical-free detergent (and may go to making my own soon)
- With the black soap, I am almost never worrying about my face being too oily. Instead it feels healthy and has a glow to it. Using the coconut oil as I need it also cuts down on the redness of my face. I used to have bad cystic acne and since I have changed my diet and face routine, all I have are a few small red spots sometimes. And my face glows!
- I used to have really yucky looking rashes on my arms that I tried everything to get rid of with no success. The day after I started the black soap it was noticeably improved, and as I keep going with the coconut oil as well, the redness and bumps are all but gone. My skin just feels so healthy. Amazing!
- Not to get personal, but I used to have problems "down there" with odor and itching. That has improved drastically since I have begun using the chemical-free detergent and also not using dryer sheets for underwear and towels.
Now, I urge you try this, especially if you have problems with your skin. And below I am partnering with Amazon to show you which types of products I am using. If you do give it a try, please comment below and let me know how it goes!
And...drumroll...
Tomorrow at 8:00 AM, I will be posting details about a giveaway I am having to celebrate 1 year of blogging and 3000 pageviews!!! Thank you all and stay tuned!
Here's the black soap:
And the coconut oil:
Of course, you can use any brand, but these are the ones I have been using. Happy and beautiful faces!
Friday, March 21, 2014
It's Spring! (at least for now...)
Hello dear friends,
I realize that I have not written in a few days. I got busy, and then I got involved with my classes, which I really like so far! And then I went outside!
Whew, after the winter we have had, I am so, so glad to see sunshine and feel the warm air. I was beginning to wonder if we were going to just skip spring and go right to summer! Now, I'm a bit bummed out because I heard that next Tuesday there is a chance of snow =(. But I am also just really excited to have some sunshine! The snow's gotta stop sometime...
I'm also excited because I found out that my arthritis in my knees is not rheumatoid, which means it's not an autoimmune thing. It's osteoarthritis and it's only in my kneecaps, and a really mild case. Wahoo!!! The best thing I can do for it is to exercise, which is what I have been dying to do anyway. Nick and I walked 3 miles yesterday on a nearby bike trail, and my knees didn't hurt! I plan to try and walk every other day to help my arthritis and to lose weight.
Speaking of losing weight, I am down about 15 lbs so far eating paleo. It feels great! I'm down about a size and a half, and my face is clearing up really nicely. I'll post some more recipe ideas soon.
Finally, I wanted to post a picture of what I see every day while I am at my computer. As we are waiting to get a computer desk from my parents, the computer is on a round table next to a window. Right near where I put the bird feeder and the suet. We have a TON of cardinals in the trees near us, and also some black-and-white finches. Here's a picture I snapped while I was working on medical terminology.
I realize that I have not written in a few days. I got busy, and then I got involved with my classes, which I really like so far! And then I went outside!
Whew, after the winter we have had, I am so, so glad to see sunshine and feel the warm air. I was beginning to wonder if we were going to just skip spring and go right to summer! Now, I'm a bit bummed out because I heard that next Tuesday there is a chance of snow =(. But I am also just really excited to have some sunshine! The snow's gotta stop sometime...
I'm also excited because I found out that my arthritis in my knees is not rheumatoid, which means it's not an autoimmune thing. It's osteoarthritis and it's only in my kneecaps, and a really mild case. Wahoo!!! The best thing I can do for it is to exercise, which is what I have been dying to do anyway. Nick and I walked 3 miles yesterday on a nearby bike trail, and my knees didn't hurt! I plan to try and walk every other day to help my arthritis and to lose weight.
Speaking of losing weight, I am down about 15 lbs so far eating paleo. It feels great! I'm down about a size and a half, and my face is clearing up really nicely. I'll post some more recipe ideas soon.
Finally, I wanted to post a picture of what I see every day while I am at my computer. As we are waiting to get a computer desk from my parents, the computer is on a round table next to a window. Right near where I put the bird feeder and the suet. We have a TON of cardinals in the trees near us, and also some black-and-white finches. Here's a picture I snapped while I was working on medical terminology.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Yummy Food Ideas! (as promised)
Hello there!
I have found that it is so much easier to create yummy meals with a more nutritious diet. Exciting! And you feel so much better about yourself too. I want to share a few ideas I have, although not all of them are original. The ones I made up have a * after them. Here ya go!
Lauren <3
I have found that it is so much easier to create yummy meals with a more nutritious diet. Exciting! And you feel so much better about yourself too. I want to share a few ideas I have, although not all of them are original. The ones I made up have a * after them. Here ya go!
- Breakfast: take some unsweetened apple sauce, heat it up for about 2 minutes in the microwave, add 1-2 tbsp of almond butter, 1 tbsp of coconut oil, and stir until dissolved. Add almond flour until desired thickness. Better than cream of wheat!
- Another breakfast idea: omelet with crumbled sausage or bacon and cheese, really filling! *
- Nick's favorite pasta alternative: Brown 1 lb of ground beef, then cook 2 sliced zucchinis in a pan with some water until tender. Combine ground beef, cooked zucchini, 1 jar of no sugar added spaghetti sauce (or a can of crushed tomatoes). Serve with shredded cheese on top (put in microwave for about 1 min to melt the cheese), or leave off cheese if desired. So yummy!*
- Sweet potato fries (good substitute for real fries): Peel a sweet potato for each person eating and cut into fry-sized pieces (smaller is better) and lay on a cookie sheet. Drizzle lightly with olive oil and add fresh cracked pepper and sea salt. Bake in oven at 350-400 degrees (depending on hotness of oven, mine is really hot) for about 15-20 minutes until slightly brown. Flip if desired. *
- I usually serve the sweet potato fries with hamburger patties or pan fried cubed steak (with or without cheese on top)*
- Cod or tilapia fillets cooked in a foil pack (sealed in) with a pat of butter, lemon juice, cracked pepper and sea salt. Cook at 400 degrees for about 10-15 mins depending on size. *
- Any kind of green vegetable is really good steamed and mixed with pesto sauce :) *
Lauren <3
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Change of Focus
As I have said, I am feeling really good lately, both emotionally and physically. Although I still have some lingering health issues, such as the arthritis, I have found that a change in diet has dramatically improved or put into remission some of the really annoying symptoms I have had for a long time.
For example, by limiting my consumption of spicy foods and citrus, I have been able to significantly reduce the bladder pain caused by my interstitial cystitis. I went from needing treatments twice a week to only doing them 1-2 times every 2 weeks! Also, I have been able to lose 15 lbs and get rid of most of the water I have been retaining since the preeclampsia. When I avoid wheat, I have drastically improved the painful cramps that go along with my endometriosis.
About 2 months ago, I went to see my ob/gyn doctor, who happens to be interested in natural family planning and alternative methods of treating health issues, and he told me that I needed to change the way I ate. He told me that by adopting a Paleo lifestyle I could improve every one of my health issues, improve my fertility and lose weight. I was a bit skeptical, although I trust his opinion, and then he told me that he had lost 20 lbs in six months and reversed the beginnings of diabetes just by changing his diet. OK, I was hooked! I decided to give it 3 months, as he suggested, and if I did not have improvement by then, I would give up.
It took about a week! I lost 5 lbs in the first week, and I had a lot smaller appetite. But most of all, it was something I could stick with. I had tried Weight Watchers, AdvoCare, and other diets with trouble keeping the pounds off. Now, it's only been 2 months, but I feel like I'm not on a diet. The things I eat are so nourishing that I do not crave processed foods very much. I'm going to do a post soon all about the Paleo diet (or lifestyle) for those of you who are interested.
Anywho, my purpose in writing this post is to tell you that I will be somewhat changing the focus of my blog. I will be writing a lot more about eating. I have been using and coming up with some amazingly tasty Paleo recipes and I would like to share my knowledge with you. Not that I will completely forget about the posts on grieving, but now that I am getting past the bad part I would like to focus more on food, health, taking care of your body and how that relates to our faith.
I feel as though the sun is starting to shine through the dark clouds. This is an image that associate with Peter. I feel him so strongly when I see the sun, and I know he is really proud of his mommy.
So stay tuned for some yummy posts!!!
For example, by limiting my consumption of spicy foods and citrus, I have been able to significantly reduce the bladder pain caused by my interstitial cystitis. I went from needing treatments twice a week to only doing them 1-2 times every 2 weeks! Also, I have been able to lose 15 lbs and get rid of most of the water I have been retaining since the preeclampsia. When I avoid wheat, I have drastically improved the painful cramps that go along with my endometriosis.
About 2 months ago, I went to see my ob/gyn doctor, who happens to be interested in natural family planning and alternative methods of treating health issues, and he told me that I needed to change the way I ate. He told me that by adopting a Paleo lifestyle I could improve every one of my health issues, improve my fertility and lose weight. I was a bit skeptical, although I trust his opinion, and then he told me that he had lost 20 lbs in six months and reversed the beginnings of diabetes just by changing his diet. OK, I was hooked! I decided to give it 3 months, as he suggested, and if I did not have improvement by then, I would give up.
It took about a week! I lost 5 lbs in the first week, and I had a lot smaller appetite. But most of all, it was something I could stick with. I had tried Weight Watchers, AdvoCare, and other diets with trouble keeping the pounds off. Now, it's only been 2 months, but I feel like I'm not on a diet. The things I eat are so nourishing that I do not crave processed foods very much. I'm going to do a post soon all about the Paleo diet (or lifestyle) for those of you who are interested.
Anywho, my purpose in writing this post is to tell you that I will be somewhat changing the focus of my blog. I will be writing a lot more about eating. I have been using and coming up with some amazingly tasty Paleo recipes and I would like to share my knowledge with you. Not that I will completely forget about the posts on grieving, but now that I am getting past the bad part I would like to focus more on food, health, taking care of your body and how that relates to our faith.
I feel as though the sun is starting to shine through the dark clouds. This is an image that associate with Peter. I feel him so strongly when I see the sun, and I know he is really proud of his mommy.
So stay tuned for some yummy posts!!!
Monday, March 3, 2014
This new normal ROCKS!
Well, for the first time since we lost Peter, I can really say that I feel good! It's like a huge weight has lifted from me and I feel so much lighter and happier. Nick and I were talking the other day, and we have finally been able to say we feel "normal" again. I put normal in quotation marks because we will never be back to the normal we knew before our loss, but I think I like this new normal even better.
Even finding out that I have osteoarthritis in my knees (really painful btw) couldn't dampen my spirits. Although it is a bit of a bummer to be laid up when I really feel like going out and doing things. But I'll stay in bed until my appointment with my rheumatologist because I don't want my knee to give out again.
Another reason for my happiness is because of an unexpected increase in our tax refund, I am able to start my classes! Peter really took care of us, and now I am going to study to be a medical coder! In layman's terms, the medical coder goes through patient medical records and encodes them for insurance purposes. I'm currently taking medical terminology and anatomy, and I will be taking the rest of the courses when I finish these.
Gotta go now, I'll update when I get details.
Even finding out that I have osteoarthritis in my knees (really painful btw) couldn't dampen my spirits. Although it is a bit of a bummer to be laid up when I really feel like going out and doing things. But I'll stay in bed until my appointment with my rheumatologist because I don't want my knee to give out again.
Another reason for my happiness is because of an unexpected increase in our tax refund, I am able to start my classes! Peter really took care of us, and now I am going to study to be a medical coder! In layman's terms, the medical coder goes through patient medical records and encodes them for insurance purposes. I'm currently taking medical terminology and anatomy, and I will be taking the rest of the courses when I finish these.
Gotta go now, I'll update when I get details.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
A tiny light slipping away
Tonight, as I remember the night exactly a year ago that we lost Peter, all I can do is write. It's just about the time of his death, and I feel kind of sad. Not heart-wrenching grief like I expected, just a quiet, introspective sadness in my heart.
He slowly faded over a period of about 6 hours. At the time, it was torture watching the monitors keep going down until alarms rang. Eventually we knew his soul had left us and all there was left to do was remove the life support.
As I think of it now, I think of him as a tiny light in the darkness, a little flame on a candle or a tiny star flickering in the sky. It got smaller and dimmer until it finally went out. I can think of it more peacefully because it truly was a beautiful sight.
Having also seen my grandma pass away, I can say that death is not the scary, torturous thing that most people think it is. Death, although very difficult for those left behind, is a beautiful thing. You can see the person at their most vulnerable and their most beautiful because when the body is failing and the soul is the only thing left, the person is the most real they can ever be. When you take away the emotions around the event, dying is really very peaceful. Like the small flame of a candle suddenly being extinguished. For a moment after it happens, there is silence and peace. Just for a moment, all is still. And the veil of Heaven parts to let another faithful soul inside. If we are lucky, maybe we can catch a quick glimpse.
Now I don't want to make light of the grief that the family and friends experience when losing a loved one. I would be the last person to deny that Peter's passing tore my heart apart. I am choosing to focus on the beauty that accompanied his death tonight.
He continues to make us aware of his presence. Death cannot take away the love between parent and child. We went to his grave site to celebrate his birthday and we brought balloons and cake. I lit the candle (shaped like a 1) on the cake and we sang "Happy Birthday". Just as we finished, I told him to make a wish and the wind blew out the candle. Then the bells in the bell tower nearby started chiming. After that, they played "Eye has not Seen", which of course made us cry, but we knew he was present with us. And we cried, mostly because of the irony. What parent wants to have their child's first birthday party at a cemetery?
As I sign off for the night, I will leave you with one parting thought: Do not fear death.
Love you Petey!
He slowly faded over a period of about 6 hours. At the time, it was torture watching the monitors keep going down until alarms rang. Eventually we knew his soul had left us and all there was left to do was remove the life support.
As I think of it now, I think of him as a tiny light in the darkness, a little flame on a candle or a tiny star flickering in the sky. It got smaller and dimmer until it finally went out. I can think of it more peacefully because it truly was a beautiful sight.
Having also seen my grandma pass away, I can say that death is not the scary, torturous thing that most people think it is. Death, although very difficult for those left behind, is a beautiful thing. You can see the person at their most vulnerable and their most beautiful because when the body is failing and the soul is the only thing left, the person is the most real they can ever be. When you take away the emotions around the event, dying is really very peaceful. Like the small flame of a candle suddenly being extinguished. For a moment after it happens, there is silence and peace. Just for a moment, all is still. And the veil of Heaven parts to let another faithful soul inside. If we are lucky, maybe we can catch a quick glimpse.
Now I don't want to make light of the grief that the family and friends experience when losing a loved one. I would be the last person to deny that Peter's passing tore my heart apart. I am choosing to focus on the beauty that accompanied his death tonight.
He continues to make us aware of his presence. Death cannot take away the love between parent and child. We went to his grave site to celebrate his birthday and we brought balloons and cake. I lit the candle (shaped like a 1) on the cake and we sang "Happy Birthday". Just as we finished, I told him to make a wish and the wind blew out the candle. Then the bells in the bell tower nearby started chiming. After that, they played "Eye has not Seen", which of course made us cry, but we knew he was present with us. And we cried, mostly because of the irony. What parent wants to have their child's first birthday party at a cemetery?
As I sign off for the night, I will leave you with one parting thought: Do not fear death.
Love you Petey!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Newest Poem
Most of you probably don't know this, but I like to write poetry. I have done so since high school, and sometimes my husband will take my poems and put them to music. I have had a drought of about 2 years, where I have been unable to write anything. It is certainly understandable that our son's death took a toll on my creativity. But recently, I was inspired and jotted down this poem very quickly. It is about Jesus and Mary's relationship and how it affected her to lose Him. It is still untitled.
It had seemed like such a normal day,
When your son Jesus Christ came over to stay.
He said, "Mom, there's something I need you to know,
I've found out my destiny, where I need to go."
You saw His eyes were filled with tears
As he told you the them of your very worst fears.
"Mom, my Heavenly Father has given me His plan;
To save their souls, take the death of one man.
I don't want to leave, but you know I must go.
There's a world to say, and I'll give them my all."
The words that He said chilled your heart to the core.
He had to die so that we'd be reborn.
The day had now come, and your tears were flowing,
Your Son on a cross, and a crowd that was growing.
It hurt you so badly to lose this young man
But you knew this must go according to plan.
As your Son gave his life and went from this place,
So went your heart, in a flourish of grace.
The pain of losing your very own Son,
It grew strong in spite of the battle He's won.
Your are close to the Mothers whose hearts have been torn
After all, He's your Son; from you He'd been born.
The tears and the sorrow of losing Him then
In Heaven were gone, when you saw Him again.
It had seemed like such a normal day,
When your son Jesus Christ came over to stay.
He said, "Mom, there's something I need you to know,
I've found out my destiny, where I need to go."
You saw His eyes were filled with tears
As he told you the them of your very worst fears.
"Mom, my Heavenly Father has given me His plan;
To save their souls, take the death of one man.
I don't want to leave, but you know I must go.
There's a world to say, and I'll give them my all."
The words that He said chilled your heart to the core.
He had to die so that we'd be reborn.
The day had now come, and your tears were flowing,
Your Son on a cross, and a crowd that was growing.
It hurt you so badly to lose this young man
But you knew this must go according to plan.
As your Son gave his life and went from this place,
So went your heart, in a flourish of grace.
The pain of losing your very own Son,
It grew strong in spite of the battle He's won.
Your are close to the Mothers whose hearts have been torn
After all, He's your Son; from you He'd been born.
The tears and the sorrow of losing Him then
In Heaven were gone, when you saw Him again.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Happy Birthday Peter!
Just wanted to say Happy Birthday to our son! We love you and miss you PJ!
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Here you are right when you were born. You were so upset to be taken out of the nice safe, warm womb. Look at how tiny you are compared to the doctor's hands. It has been a very, very tough year. But I would not have traded it for anything. Getting to see you even for one minute would have made the pain and sorrow completely worth it.
Love you so much son!
Mommy
Here you are right when you were born. You were so upset to be taken out of the nice safe, warm womb. Look at how tiny you are compared to the doctor's hands. It has been a very, very tough year. But I would not have traded it for anything. Getting to see you even for one minute would have made the pain and sorrow completely worth it.
Love you so much son!
Mommy
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New year, fresh start
I've been absent on here for a while, and it was on purpose.
For a while I was just busy, and then I was just feeling really bad. Then, I got to a point where I knew I needed to let 2013 get away from me before I tried to write any more about my life.
2013 was a really tough year, and I know I am not the only one saying that. Most people I know had some bad things happen in 2013. For us, it was just one thing after another. First, I lost my favorite dog buddy Truffles, who I had been with since I was 12. Then I got sick with preeclampsia and lost Peter. Then I got sick again. Then, I got and lost my job. Money was extremely tight, and I had to adjust to life with 3 chronic illnesses that rear their heads on a daily basis. Then my good friend lost her 3rd baby, and that totally knocked me for a loop. My husband was working 2 jobs and lots of hours that weren't really enough, and we just could not wait to lose such a horrible year.
Now we are in 2014 and things have not changed a ton, but they are looking up. My hubby just found out he is getting a promotion, and I am finding ways to make some money on the side. The pain of losing our son is never going to ease, but we are finding ways to handle it better. It still sneaks up on us a lot, but in general it is getting somewhat easier.
It has almost been a year since we got to be with our son for almost 2 days. On February 2, it will be a year since we made that fateful trip to the hospital when I had a splitting headache. On February 11, it will be Peter's 1 year birthday. And on February 13, it will be a year since he left us to fly up to Heaven and be with his Father. Who would have thought that a 1 lb 4 oz, 11 inch long baby boy could change our lives so completely?
Losing your first child puts you into a strange predicament and I never would have imagined. What do I say when someone asks me if I have any children? I mean, it's an understandable question. I'm almost 30, married and in a time of my life where most of my friends are building their families. If I say yes, then I have to explain that he is not with me, he is in Heaven. Then I get the awkward looks, silence or sorry's, and the asker of the question usually feels really bad for having asked. If I say no, as I did today, it gets me out of having to explain, but I feel really guilty for having lied.
How do I explain that I am a mother, but I don't have a child in my arms? I don't feel comfortable with my groups of friends with children, but I also don't feel comfortable with my friends who have never married and never had children. All of my baby loss friends already had children before they lost a child. They had someone to hold onto during their grief. I'm stuck in a grey area where not many mothers are; no child in my arms, and unsure if my next pregnancy will end the same way, or if there will be a next pregnancy.
As I enter the new year, I am making a fresh start. But I have more questions than answers. Only time will tell what is in store.
For a while I was just busy, and then I was just feeling really bad. Then, I got to a point where I knew I needed to let 2013 get away from me before I tried to write any more about my life.
2013 was a really tough year, and I know I am not the only one saying that. Most people I know had some bad things happen in 2013. For us, it was just one thing after another. First, I lost my favorite dog buddy Truffles, who I had been with since I was 12. Then I got sick with preeclampsia and lost Peter. Then I got sick again. Then, I got and lost my job. Money was extremely tight, and I had to adjust to life with 3 chronic illnesses that rear their heads on a daily basis. Then my good friend lost her 3rd baby, and that totally knocked me for a loop. My husband was working 2 jobs and lots of hours that weren't really enough, and we just could not wait to lose such a horrible year.
Now we are in 2014 and things have not changed a ton, but they are looking up. My hubby just found out he is getting a promotion, and I am finding ways to make some money on the side. The pain of losing our son is never going to ease, but we are finding ways to handle it better. It still sneaks up on us a lot, but in general it is getting somewhat easier.
It has almost been a year since we got to be with our son for almost 2 days. On February 2, it will be a year since we made that fateful trip to the hospital when I had a splitting headache. On February 11, it will be Peter's 1 year birthday. And on February 13, it will be a year since he left us to fly up to Heaven and be with his Father. Who would have thought that a 1 lb 4 oz, 11 inch long baby boy could change our lives so completely?
Losing your first child puts you into a strange predicament and I never would have imagined. What do I say when someone asks me if I have any children? I mean, it's an understandable question. I'm almost 30, married and in a time of my life where most of my friends are building their families. If I say yes, then I have to explain that he is not with me, he is in Heaven. Then I get the awkward looks, silence or sorry's, and the asker of the question usually feels really bad for having asked. If I say no, as I did today, it gets me out of having to explain, but I feel really guilty for having lied.
How do I explain that I am a mother, but I don't have a child in my arms? I don't feel comfortable with my groups of friends with children, but I also don't feel comfortable with my friends who have never married and never had children. All of my baby loss friends already had children before they lost a child. They had someone to hold onto during their grief. I'm stuck in a grey area where not many mothers are; no child in my arms, and unsure if my next pregnancy will end the same way, or if there will be a next pregnancy.
As I enter the new year, I am making a fresh start. But I have more questions than answers. Only time will tell what is in store.
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