Sunday, January 5, 2014

New year, fresh start

I've been absent on here for a while, and it was on purpose.

For a while I was just busy, and then I was just feeling really bad. Then, I got to a point where I knew I needed to let 2013 get away from me before I tried to write any more about my life.

2013 was a really tough year, and I know I am not the only one saying that. Most people I know had some bad things happen in 2013. For us, it was just one thing after another. First, I lost my favorite dog buddy Truffles, who I had been with since I was 12. Then I got sick with preeclampsia and lost Peter. Then I got sick again. Then, I got and lost my job. Money was extremely tight, and I had to adjust to life with 3 chronic illnesses that rear their heads on a daily basis. Then my good friend lost her 3rd baby, and that totally knocked me for a loop. My husband was working 2 jobs and lots of hours that weren't really enough, and we just could not wait to lose such a horrible year.

Now we are in 2014 and things have not changed a ton, but they are looking up. My hubby just found out he is getting a promotion, and I am finding ways to make some money on the side. The pain of losing our son is never going to ease, but we are finding ways to handle it better. It still sneaks up on us a lot, but in general it is getting somewhat easier.

It has almost been a year since we got to be with our son for almost 2 days. On February 2, it will be a year since we made that fateful trip to the hospital when I had a splitting headache. On February 11, it will be Peter's 1 year birthday. And on February 13, it will be a year since he left us to fly up to Heaven and be with his Father. Who would have thought that a 1 lb 4 oz, 11 inch long baby boy could change our lives so completely?

Losing your first child puts you into a strange predicament and I never would have imagined. What do I say when someone asks me if I have any children? I mean, it's an understandable question. I'm almost 30, married and in a time of my life where most of my friends are building their families. If I say yes, then I have to explain that he is not with me, he is in Heaven. Then I get the awkward looks, silence or sorry's, and the asker of the question usually feels really bad for having asked. If I say no, as I did today, it gets me out of having to explain, but I feel really guilty for having lied.

How do I explain that I am a mother, but I don't have a child in my arms? I don't feel comfortable with my groups of friends with children, but I also don't feel comfortable with my friends who have never married and never had children. All of my baby loss friends already had children before they lost a child. They had someone to hold onto during their grief. I'm stuck in a grey area where not many mothers are; no child in my arms, and unsure if my next pregnancy will end the same way, or if there will be a next pregnancy.

As I enter the new year, I am making a fresh start. But I have more questions than answers. Only time will tell what is in store.