2nd Trimester Begins...

As soon as I finished the last post about trusting God to take care of us I knew there would be a point where I would come back to reality and to my fears. That time has come. The thing about trusting God is that it is a daily, hourly or even by-the-minute decision to push out fear and let in hope. You do not just make a one-time decision and that's it.

Suddenly more triggers have come up for me. I just hit the 14 week mark in my pregnancy, which means I am officially in the 2nd trimester. The second trimester also happens to be the time when my preeclampsia came on, which led to losing Peter at 24 weeks.

Suddenly things are not so far off. Just about 2 months until I can get preeclampsia again. Just about 22 weeks until baby will be here if they deliver me at 36 weeks as planned. Not really things that I should be thinking or worrying about, but here they are in my mind. These are just the kind of things I have been trying to stop thinking about.

On top of it, my parents came and helped us move some furniture into our spare room to make it more guest-friendly and storage-friendly. The talk turned to where the crib will go and I realized very quickly how not ready I am for all of this. Can we just push the pause button and take a break?

And then on top of it, we realized that yesterday in the Catholic Church was the feast day of Sts. Peter and Paul, the Apostles. It took me back to our honeymoon in the Vatican where Nick and I ended up in St. Peter's Basilica celebrating Mass for the very same feast. And afterward, as we walked in St. Peter's Square, Nick asked me if we could name our first born son Peter. There it was, we had named our first child that we would not even conceive until 3 months later, and that we would get only 2 days with in this life. It was the emotional equivalent of being knocked down by a huge wave.

Anyone who has grieved a loss will tell you that there will be times when you are doing so well and then out of nowhere a huge wave of grief will overcome you. It felt like a punch to the gut, and I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball.

I pulled it together enough to make it out to dinner with some friends from church and there was a couple there about 8 years younger than us. I ended up telling them about our story and about how God kept calling us to trust him more. So despite my total weakness I was chosen to witness about God's love. That has to count for something, right?

 I'm not sure what the purpose of this post was except to update where I am at the moment. I made you a promise to keep writing whether the news was good or bad, and I will keep that promise. At the moment, I know I need to fill up my emotional tank and then maybe I will be able to spell it out a bit more. So until then, see you on the web!

Letting love in

I have changed since I started this blog over a year ago. It is much harder to write now than it used to be. I used to be very open about my grief, mostly because I had no choice. It was there constantly, and the only way to alleviate some of the feelings floating around in my head would be to write about them. Now that I am pregnant again it seems that I have been much more private about my feelings. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism, but it does not mean that I will not write. Even if I have to start the blog several times before I like it, I am determined that I will get my story out there for other mommas who need the encouragement and for others to shatter the silence there is around this subject. It took a lot of courage for me to announce my pregnancy. I have not been able to celebrate too much until recently. My fear and anxiety nearly got the best of me. No one could really realize how different pregnancy is after you have lost your baby unless you have lived it. Thankfully, I have a few friends who have been there, and one who is traveling the road with me step by step. The thing is, when you get pregnant for the first time, there are so many expectations, hopes and dreams. When you lose a baby or a young child, it is a loss unlike any other because you not only lose them, but you lose all your hopes and dreams for their future. You lose the chance to know them, and as you go along there is an almost palpable feeling that a part of your life is missing. Part of your heart is missing and nothing, not even other children, can fill that emptiness. When I found out I was pregnant this time, it was almost a feeling of shock and numbness. It took weeks before I could accept that I was indeed pregnant, and my first feeling was fear, not hope. Fear is a feeling that has followed me the whole time. What if I have a miscarriage? What if I get preeclampsia again? What if God takes this baby, too? I have allowed myself to feel, but not necessarily dwell on, these questions. It is hard to get emotionally attached when you are not sure if your heart will be broken in two again. As I move along, I have come to realize that God calls us to live in hope and not in fear. Love is not just a flowery feeling for Valentine's Day. True love chooses to keep loving even though there is a chance of getting hurt again and again. This child inside of me does not need my fear, he or she needs my love. So I have chosen to take the risk of loving he or she even though I know that things could go wrong again. God's grace has helped me to come to this decision. Our ultrasound pictures included one that looks like our baby is smiling at us, which I took as a sign that it was time to move past the fear and step out in faith.

Such a sweet smile captured my heart! I know it will not be easy, but this child deserves my love and my devotion. Even if the unthinkable happens, I know that I will feel so much worse if I did not let this child into my heart. And that is enough for me :)

I'm still here!

It's been almost 3 months since I've published anything. It's not that I've been unwilling to write. I've written this post at least 2-3 times. I've felt the need to protect and insulate myself for a little while. We've got a game changer, a beautiful, unthinkable gift from above that we've been praying for and afraid to accept for at least a year! I'm PREGNANT!!!! God let Peter help pick out a little brother or sister from Heaven to send us. And our sweet little son gave his sibling a kiss on the cheek and sent him or her down to us. We found out Easter weekend, and I am now almost 12 weeks along. They call the child you bear after the loss of a baby the rainbow baby. This is because you have lived through the storm and God gives you a rainbow when the sunshine comes back out. Our rainbow is on the way, due December 28, 2014. Because of my health issues, they will deliver at about 36-37 weeks, so sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Hallelujah! I was not ready at first to say anything about our gift, for fear of losing this one too. It has been a very anxious, emotional journey so far, and I am sure it will continue. At first, I was not ready to believe it; for I was sure that I would miscarry and we would be left alone again. Then we could tell close friends, but now I'm finally ready to shout it from the rooftops!! Things have been so completely different that I almost don't recognize it. Last time, I was sick, swollen, and had moderately high blood pressure the whole time. This time I have lost 5 lbs, barely had morning sickness, and my blood pressure has been low at times. It has led me to be slightly nervous at how well things are going. I'd say at the moment we are cautiously optimistic. You may have noticed that I changed the blog name back to just "Tears for Peter". I did that because I will be focusing more on the issue of pregnancy after a loss. Some healthy things may make their way into the blog, but I feel the need to write more about this. That's all I have time for right now, but there will definitely be more writing coming soon! Just wanted to share my wonderful news!!!! Take care, Lauren <3