I've been pretty quiet on this blog since I found out I was pregnant. I think that is mostly because I have not even been sure how to describe this journey.I thought I was doing really well on my grief journey, feeling better adjusted and getting back to normal. Looking to the future and dreaming about giving Peter a little brother or sister. Then I got that positive pregnancy test and I was suddenly awash in the grief again.
Any pregnancy is going to be full of emotions and hormones, but there is no way I could have prepared for the onslaught of emotion I would experience. Happy, sad, excited, terrified...all at once sometimes! Losing my son Peter is the hardest thing I have ever had to face, but this pregnancy has been the second hardest. My unborn son David has wrapped his tiny arms around my heart, for better or worse. I have no idea what to expect, but I choose to love him with all my heart.
It was difficult getting to the 22-24 week mark, where I was hospitalized and had Peter in my last pregnancy. I developed high blood pressure and a nasty headache at 23 weeks that sent me to the hospital for a couple days. Talk about having triggers! But we held it together and rejoiced when I was allowed to go home on modified bed rest. Getting to week 25 was such a relief, and everything since then has been new to me.
As I begin the third trimester, there have been a lot of checkups and
tests. Considering my history, this is not too surprising. It started
with a visit to my high risk doctor every month, then it was every 2
weeks, now I'm in there every week. I am keeping track of my blood sugars, blood pressure, food diary, amount of water (a gallon a day), taking 2 different shots, getting blood drawn every 2 weeks, doing 24 hour urine collections and waiting with bated breath for the call when they tell me something has gone wrong.
I'm also feeling strong kicks that shake my belly, and watching my belly grow far bigger than I thought it could. I'm rejoicing each time I see my little son on the ultrasound and he's growing up big and strong. I'm trying to stay positive that there are no signs of preeclampsia yet and my blood pressure has been amazingly good. I'm eating everything in the house and then some, and trying to get all my baby gear together.
I'm also trying to figure out how to keep Peter special in my life while keeping my focus on David. I know it's not healthy to stay so attached to the past, but it hurts to think I may have to let go of him some. David needs me, and he needs to feel special, not overshadowed by his big brother's memory. I'll always love and miss my firstborn, but I know that he is safe in the arms of Jesus. I still cry and acutely feel the pain of losing him, but I know he wants me to live in the present moment, not stuck in the past. I so wish I could have both of my boys with me, and it pains me that David will not get to know his big brother. That's the paradox of pregnancy after loss, the past and the future are constantly tugging at you for your focus, when you know that the best place to focus is in the present.
As for me, I'm choosing to live in the present because it is all I have right now. I will update more as I get closer, but barring any complications, David will be born in late November/early December around 36-37 weeks via c-section. When that happens, all the pain, frustration and discomforts will be worth it and he will finally be in my arms. Any prayers you can send our way would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
