New year, fresh start

I've been absent on here for a while, and it was on purpose.

For a while I was just busy, and then I was just feeling really bad. Then, I got to a point where I knew I needed to let 2013 get away from me before I tried to write any more about my life.

2013 was a really tough year, and I know I am not the only one saying that. Most people I know had some bad things happen in 2013. For us, it was just one thing after another. First, I lost my favorite dog buddy Truffles, who I had been with since I was 12. Then I got sick with preeclampsia and lost Peter. Then I got sick again. Then, I got and lost my job. Money was extremely tight, and I had to adjust to life with 3 chronic illnesses that rear their heads on a daily basis. Then my good friend lost her 3rd baby, and that totally knocked me for a loop. My husband was working 2 jobs and lots of hours that weren't really enough, and we just could not wait to lose such a horrible year.

Now we are in 2014 and things have not changed a ton, but they are looking up. My hubby just found out he is getting a promotion, and I am finding ways to make some money on the side. The pain of losing our son is never going to ease, but we are finding ways to handle it better. It still sneaks up on us a lot, but in general it is getting somewhat easier.

It has almost been a year since we got to be with our son for almost 2 days. On February 2, it will be a year since we made that fateful trip to the hospital when I had a splitting headache. On February 11, it will be Peter's 1 year birthday. And on February 13, it will be a year since he left us to fly up to Heaven and be with his Father. Who would have thought that a 1 lb 4 oz, 11 inch long baby boy could change our lives so completely?

Losing your first child puts you into a strange predicament and I never would have imagined. What do I say when someone asks me if I have any children? I mean, it's an understandable question. I'm almost 30, married and in a time of my life where most of my friends are building their families. If I say yes, then I have to explain that he is not with me, he is in Heaven. Then I get the awkward looks, silence or sorry's, and the asker of the question usually feels really bad for having asked. If I say no, as I did today, it gets me out of having to explain, but I feel really guilty for having lied.

How do I explain that I am a mother, but I don't have a child in my arms? I don't feel comfortable with my groups of friends with children, but I also don't feel comfortable with my friends who have never married and never had children. All of my baby loss friends already had children before they lost a child. They had someone to hold onto during their grief. I'm stuck in a grey area where not many mothers are; no child in my arms, and unsure if my next pregnancy will end the same way, or if there will be a next pregnancy.

As I enter the new year, I am making a fresh start. But I have more questions than answers. Only time will tell what is in store.

Finding the Oasis in the Middle of the Desert

I am blessed.

Why?

Because I have found the oasis in the middle of the desert.

Now before you wonder if I have gone over the deep end, let me explain. Life has been really tough lately. I am grieving my son. My new job is very repetitive and boring. I am still very swollen and feeling pretty bad physically, but I don't have any answers as to what is wrong with me. It's not my kidney, my heart, my liver, my blood pressure, or anything else obvious. My PTSD is rearing its ugly head, and the medication changes I have made are bringing some nasty side effects. Finances are really tight still. I am worn and weary.

But I have never felt more blessed.

I am in the desert of suffering. Really, really intense suffering like I have never known before. But in the middle of that suffering I have found the lush oasis. My Lord is there waiting for me with his blood-stained hand stretched out to me. I am constantly pushed to the point of breaking, but can push forward knowing that I am joining my Savior up on the Holy Cross of our Salvation. Something deep within my soul keeps me moving forward, knowing that my suffering is not pointless. My suffering is my prayer, and my life is a constant prayer to the One who loves me with an unconditional love.

Every day at work becomes a mystical experience for me. I am able to listen to my own music through headphones while I work, and I listen to praise music. Through the rhythm of the repetitive work and the music, the Lord speaks to me. Here is what He says:

• It's alright, everything will be okay.
• I know exactly what you are going through.
• I am there for you, just as the bridegroom is for the bride. 
• I will comfort you. 
• Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
• I will pull you out of the darkness. 
• In your emptiness, you are beautiful.
• I love you.

He speaks to all of us if we will take the time to listen. Our struggles are not just coincidental; they are handpicked for us so that we can gain the most spiritual benefit from them. When we feel the smallest and weakest is when we are the strongest. And when you feel lost and alone in a sea of troubles, He will be your lifeboat to keep you afloat. No matter how defeated and lost you are, He is right behind you. All you have to do is turn around and look at Him. I'll leave you with the following very moving video from World Youth Day this year.

Love you all,

Lauren

New Job

I decided about 2-3 months ago that I wanted to start looking for a job. We could use the extra income and I was tired of sitting around all day. Well, it took 2 months and several interviews, but I have finally found a job and it is working out pretty well. I am working as a temp at an national insurance company getting the commercial policies ready for the underwriters to work on at renewal time. It is a nice company and my coworkers are great. I even found out that one of the ladies has lost a baby herself. It is a low stress environment and it is nice to feel like I have a purpose again. That is why my posts have been pretty scarce lately. Petey is always on my mind, but I am starting to move on. My health is getting better, and Nick and I keep our spirits up as much as we can. Pray for us and we'll pray for you.

Love you all,

Lauren

The daily grind

I have been getting by lately. Not doing great, but not doing terrible. We made it through Father's Day (which was the same day as our 1 year anniversary) pretty well. It's been about 4 1/2 months and I am starting to move on some. And I don't feel guilty. I love Peter, and I will always miss him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and miss him to the depths of my heart. But I hear him telling me that it is time to move on.

People still tiptoe around the subject. I appreciate the concern for my feelings, but don't worry about bringing him up. It's not like you are bringing up some subject I have forgotten. I will never forget my son, or losing him, for that matter. I am trying to move on with my life and look forward, but he is never far from my mind.

That being said, I am trying to bring myself to order the headstone. Everyone around me is ready for it, but I feel like it will be so final. Maybe I am not ready yet to accept that he is gone and buried. I know there is no rush, but I just can't figure out what my hesitation is. In the meantime, we made a beautiful stepping stone to keep at his grave with his name and dates.

I guess I thought I had moved on more. We had thought for a little while about trying to get pregnant again, but we decided it was still too early. I need to get a job, but I'm not sure if I am ready.

It's been a while

I know it's been a while since I posted. See, the thing is that I have not had much to say. We made it through Mother's Day, Petey's due date on June 1, and Father's day is fast approaching. I also took a trip with my parents to Florida, which was really nice. Somehow I have finally settled into an existence that is not unbearable. It's just the constant buzz of dull pain.

Don't get me wrong, I have had some really good and really bad days. But things are getting slowly better. We are looking more toward the future and are taking comfort in the friendship on which our marriage is based. I really love my husband and he gets me a lot more than I realized. This Sunday, which is also Father's Day, we will have been married for a year.

Most married couples never go through as much as we have in their entire lives. For some reason, God thinks we can handle it. I'm not sure if I agree with Him, but I trust Him. I have been job hunting for a couple months, but have had 3 interviews and no job. I had a really weird interview yesterday that made me wonder if it was worth looking for a job. Sure, we could really use the money, but I have lost the spark inside of me that used to make me such a good salesperson. That must have died with Petey. I hope I can get it back somehow.

Thinking about another child does not scare me to death anymore. I keep thinking of the promise we made at our wedding to be open to life and a family. Yes, it would be really scary and anxious, and I will wait until we are cleared by the doctor, but it doesn't make me shake uncontrollably thinking of it. I could have the preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome again. But maybe I wouldn't. Having our rainbow baby might go a long way to heal us. Just a thought.

My fluid is going down, but my weight is not. I'm starting to look more normal now. Making progress helps me feel more normal.

I'll write more later, but I just wanted to update here. I wish you God's abundant blessings!