Update on my health 5/3/2013

Hello friends,

I wanted to tell you something really amazing that I heard today:

My kidney is back to normal!!!!! (the doctor said "perfect")

All my tests came back within normal range, praise God! I am to continue with the low sodium diet and exercise more. Also, he is lowering my blood pressuremedicine some. Hopefully with commitment and patience the fluid I am retaining should come off of me.

This is the first good health news I've had since before I got the preeclampsia! I have been praying and trusting in the Lord for 3 months, and for 3 months I was getting nothing but bad news from the doctors. My patience has finally paid off.

Surely, I wait for the LORD; who bends down to me and hears my cry,

Draws me up from the pit of destruction, out of the muddy clay, Sets my feet upon rock,

steadies my steps, and puts a new song in my mouth, a hymn to our God.

Many shall look on in fear and they shall trust in the LORD. (Psalm 40:2-4)

The Lord has heard my cry and now I have found the hope I needed to keep going in faith. I'm sure I will struggle and falter again, but it is nice to finally have our prayers answered. And tomorrow we are totally partying and celebrating!!

Love you all, 

Lauren

Dream--Sensitive Material

This morning I had a really bad dream. I was back in the NICU at night with Peter, Nick, and both sets of grandparents. He was not doing well, and somehow the whole scene played out again with very few variations. Except that I was well enough to actively take part in the whole process of his death. It was so surreal. I woke up with tears in my eyes.

I have not been able to go back to that night for a very long time for many reasons. First, it was just so painful that my mind just shuts down when I think of it. Also, I was still very sick. My feet were so swollen that they hurt and I had just gotten off the magnesium sulfate (a very rough drug that lowers blood pressure and prevents seizures by slowing down the entire nervous system). I was so lightheaded that I had to lie down in a reclining chair with a wet washcloth on my head to avoid passing out. The magnesium sulfate has caused my memories of that time to be somewhat spotty.

All I know is that we stayed there with our son laying on our chests, helpless to do anything to help him, and knowing that the doctors had done all they could. Just watching him slowly die. My dream last night took me right back to it, and I was running around trying to get the medical staff to do more for him, but they wouldn't. It makes me cry now just thinking about it, and I have been in a bit of a funk all morning.

I'm not sure what my purpose is in sharing this except that maybe getting it out on "paper" will get it out of my head. During all of this madness, one of my big comforts is that Mary my Mother is holding me up with her mantle wrapped around my shoulders as I cry. She knows what it's like. She has been there, holding her son's lifeless body.

Stabat Mater Dolorosa

At the Cross her station keeping,
stood the mournful Mother weeping,
close to her Son to the last.

Through her heart, His sorrow sharing,
all His bitter anguish bearing,
now at length the sword has passed.

O how sad and sore distressed
was that Mother, highly blest,
of the sole-begotten One.

Christ above in torment hangs,
she beneath beholds the pangs
of her dying glorious Son.

Is there one who would not weep,
whelmed in miseries so deep,
Christ's dear Mother to behold?

Can the human heart refrain
from partaking in her pain,
in that Mother's pain untold?

For the sins of His own nation,
She saw Jesus wracked with torment,
All with scourges rent:

She beheld her tender Child,
Saw Him hang in desolation,
Till His spirit forth He sent.

O thou Mother! fount of love!
Touch my spirit from above,
make my heart with thine accord:

Make me feel as thou hast felt;
make my soul to glow and melt
with the love of Christ my Lord.

Holy Mother! pierce me through,
in my heart each wound renew
of my Savior crucified:

Let me share with thee His pain,
who for all my sins was slain,
who for me in torments died.

Let me mingle tears with thee,
mourning Him who mourned for me,
all the days that I may live:

By the Cross with thee to stay,
there with thee to weep and pray,
is all I ask of thee to give.

Virgin of all virgins blest!,
Listen to my fond request:
let me share thy grief divine;

Let me, to my latest breath,
in my body bear the death
of that dying Son of thine.

Wounded with His every wound,
steep my soul till it hath swooned,
in His very Blood away;

Be to me, O Virgin, nigh,
lest in flames I burn and die,
in His awful Judgment Day.

Christ, when Thou shalt call me hence,
be Thy Mother my defense,
be Thy Cross my victory;

While my body here decays,
may my soul Thy goodness praise,
Safe in Paradise with Thee. Amen.

Hanging on

I haven't posted in a little while because I didn't have anything special to say, but I realized that in sharing my day-to-day struggles I am also saying a lot. My main purpose in sharing this blog, besides healing myself and updating family and friends about my condition, is to put my grief in the open. Not just the happy, spiritual things, but the messy stuff. In my experience, not many people understand that grieving is a daily process that  does not go in a linear path. And it lasts for your entire life. You never know what it's going to be like when you wake up in the morning. It is always one step forward and then two steps back. That's what makes it frustrating.

I was doing pretty well for a week or so. Then it never fails that something brings it all back. When it rains, it pours. As soon as I break down about something, the next few days when I am sensitive emotionally is when I will see all the little baby boys and the pregnant women and the families together. Nick and I were at a hockey game, and out of all the people we could sit next to, there was a couple with a little 3 1/2 week old baby boy. It was loud and he was screaming at the top of his lungs because of the noise, but the parents just let him scream and cry. It made me mad and sad. I wiped my tears for about 15 minutes, but eventually I couldn't handle it and slumped on Nick. We had to change our seats. I am crying about even now.

It's not just the hockey games. It's going to the park and seeing families, and wondering if we are ever going to be like that; knowing that our family will always be one short. It's hearing about parents that abuse their children, knowing that we would have done anything just to have our little boy here to love and cherish. It's watching our friends grow their families when our house is so empty. It's seeing the new baby pictures, ultrasounds, and pregnant bellies when all we have is a tiny plot of grass in the cemetery. It's watching my husband cry his heart out, knowing I am helpless to ease his pain. And most of all, it's knowing that even through all this loss I may have permanently lost some of my health or my ability to carry a child.

We will have been married a year on June 16, which ironically is Father's day. We thought we would have a 2 week old by then. I am about a month away from my due date. We have been through things in 10 1/2 months that most couples don't go through in their entire marriages.

"How long, Lord? How long?" This is what the priest said in his homily at Peter's funeral. How long until we see His face? This world is just a valley of tears until we get to Heaven and see Jesus and our son. Oh how I long for Heaven, but I know I was left in this world to accomplish something big. I don't know what that is yet, but I pray I will find it soon. And I will honor my son in my life.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that daily life is not always pretty and there are a lot of questions, but I continue to hang on. Keep praying for us, and I pray for all of you too.

Take care,

Lauren

I just wanna be mad for a while

I've been trying to write this post for about a week. You see, I need quiet and relaxation to be able to write well and there hasn't been too much of that lately. Not that this is a bad thing. I'm really glad to be able to keep busy. But I have had thoughts building inside of me.

In the midst of everything going on, I am not quite sure where God fits in. For the first month after we lost Peter, I could not even acknowledge Him because I was so mad at Him. Not for causing my sickness and our son's death, but for not stopping it. I did not understand why He could work His miracles in such amazing ways and then just leave us without even a small miracle. That whole month was full of darkness and hurt -- sometimes so bad I could hardly breathe.

After about a month of that, I realized that although I wanted answers right now, I will not get them. Through the help of a wonderful priest, I was able to let go of needing to know why this happened the way it did. In the process, I was able to let God into my heart for the first time. He has done some healing and offered us some wonderful graces, but I realized recently that I am still mad at Him. I know He understands.

I am mad that my pregnancy was interrupted and I got cheated out of the 3 months of pregnancy I should have had. 

I am mad that my son had to try to survive outside my womb, where he should have been safe.

I am mad that my son did not survive and we had to bury him. 

I am mad that I have to watch myself and my loved ones in such agony and grief.

I am mad that I am still suffering from the effects of the preeclampsia 2 months later with no end in sight. 

I was doing so well with my fluid loss, and then somehow it is all back on me again. I look like heck, sometimes I feel like heck. It never seems to end. I can't help but wonder if God could have at least given me a break on this after all we've been through. Sometimes I'm scared out of my mind that I will end up back in the hospital on the list for a kidney transplant.

I don't understand His ways. The God I thought I knew was a God of mercies who would never leave His loved ones without help. This seems very unlike Him. Like Job, I cry out from the depths to the God who has afflicted me. All of the saints have been through things like this. The only thing is, I'm no saint. I'm certainly trying to get to Heaven to see my son, but if God is looking for heroic things, I don't measure up at all.

The good thing about having your son as a saint in Heaven is that he will be up there praying for me all the time. And when I can't go straight to God, I can ask Peter to go sit on Jesus' lap and ask Him for a favor. Talk about having a direct line! I love him so much and I know that his prayers are the only thing holding me together right now.

I still love God and trust Him, but like the Terri Clark song says, "I just wanna be mad for a while".

I'm going back to high school

I got a phone call yesterday from Babies R Us asking me if I had received my 10% completion coupon for my registry and if I was coming in to stock up on last minute baby items. After politely telling the clueless sales girl that I would not be coming in because my baby was not here anymore, I realized that I am so sick of all of this pain. That's it--I'm going back to high school. It was so much easier then.

Between hospital bills, encounters with babies and pregnant moms, phone calls like that, and the countless little things that remind me that this was most certainly not a dream, I give up. I need a break. This week has been the toughest since we lost Peter, not because the pain is any worse, but because of the little reminders that come up. Everyone else is moving on and here I am with my heart half torn out just trying to survive another day. I didn't expect it to be like this.

It's just that everyone else is going back to normal and our life will never be "normal" again. We have to learn to live with half of our hearts missing. Not an easy thing to do. We can never go back to where we were before Peter was created, not that we would want to. But it would be nice to have a break sometimes.

Fluid loss is finally to 10 lbs!