A tiny light slipping away

Tonight, as I remember the night exactly a year ago that we lost Peter, all I can do is write. It's just about the time of his death, and I feel kind of sad. Not heart-wrenching grief like I expected, just a quiet, introspective sadness in my heart.

He slowly faded over a period of about 6 hours. At the time, it was torture watching the monitors keep going down until alarms rang. Eventually we knew his soul had left us and all there was left to do was remove the life support.

As I think of it now, I think of him as a tiny light in the darkness, a little flame on a candle or a tiny star flickering in the sky. It got smaller and dimmer until it finally went out. I can think of it more peacefully because it truly was a beautiful sight.

Having also seen my grandma pass away, I can say that death is not the scary, torturous thing that most people think it is. Death, although very difficult for those left behind, is a beautiful thing. You can see the person at their most vulnerable and their most beautiful because when the body is failing and the soul is the only thing left, the person is the most real they can ever be. When you take away the emotions around the event, dying is really very peaceful. Like the small flame of a candle suddenly being extinguished. For a moment after it happens, there is silence and peace. Just for a moment, all is still. And the veil of Heaven parts to let another faithful soul inside. If we are lucky, maybe we can catch a quick glimpse.

Now I don't want to make light of the grief that the family and friends experience when losing a loved one. I would be the last person to deny that Peter's passing tore my heart apart. I am choosing to focus on the beauty that accompanied his death tonight.

He continues to make us aware of his presence. Death cannot take away the love between parent and child. We went to his grave site to celebrate his birthday and we brought balloons and cake. I lit the candle (shaped like a 1) on the cake and we sang "Happy Birthday". Just as we finished, I told him to make a wish and the wind blew out the candle. Then the bells in the bell tower nearby started chiming. After that, they played "Eye has not Seen", which of course made us cry, but we knew he was present with us. And we cried, mostly because of the irony. What parent wants to have their child's first birthday party at a cemetery?

As I sign off for the night, I will leave you with one parting thought: Do not fear death.

Love you Petey!

Newest Poem

Most of you probably don't know this, but I like to write poetry. I have done so since high school, and sometimes my husband will take my poems and put them to music. I have had a drought of about 2 years, where I have been unable to write anything. It is certainly understandable that our son's death took a toll on my creativity. But recently, I was inspired and jotted down this poem very quickly. It is about Jesus and Mary's relationship and how it affected her to lose Him. It is still untitled.


It had seemed like such a normal day,
When your son Jesus Christ came over to stay.
He said, "Mom, there's something I need you to know,
I've found out my destiny, where I need to go."
You saw His eyes were filled with tears
As he told you the them of your very worst fears.

"Mom, my Heavenly Father has given me His plan;
To save their souls, take the death of one man.
I don't want to leave, but you know I must go.
There's a world to say, and I'll give them my all."
The words that He said chilled your heart to the core.
He had to die so that we'd be reborn.

The day had now come, and your tears were flowing,
Your Son on a cross, and a crowd that was growing.
It hurt you so badly to lose this young man
But you knew this must go according to plan.
As your Son gave his life and went from this place,
So went your heart, in a flourish of grace.

The pain of losing your very own Son,
It grew strong in spite of the battle He's won.
Your are close to the Mothers whose hearts have been torn
After all, He's your Son; from you He'd been born.
The tears and the sorrow of losing Him then
In Heaven were gone, when you saw Him again.

Happy Birthday Peter!

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday to our son! We love you and miss you PJ!

Here you are right when you were born. You were so upset to be taken out of the nice safe, warm womb. Look at how tiny you are compared to the doctor's hands. It has been a very, very tough year. But I would not have traded it for anything. Getting to see you even for one minute would have made the pain and sorrow completely worth it.

Love you so much son!

Mommy