You Are My Life Saver

"You came early, as much as I didn't want you to, but you saved my life. You knew you had to come early before I got too sick and I put my body in a life threatening situation to save you. You are my life saver. You made every minute of this pregnancy worth it."

I found these words in a blog by another mom who had a very similar story to me. This is exactly how I feel about Peter. Though my heart is broken, he saved my life by coming out early. If only I could have saved his. 

One thing I have really struggled with is that for a while I felt like I didn't do enough for him. I was completely ready to keep fighting for him to stay inside of me. Just like any mother, I would have sacrificed my life for him. Thankfully the doctors would not let me do that. He was already beginning to have drops in heart rate since my body was in such bad shape. This caused the doctor to decide to do the emergency c-section. When I feel I can, I will add the story of how I got to that point. Had they not done so, I would have started to go into organ failure and possibly a coma.

Though I have started to move past feeling guilty for making him be born so early, I still have moments where I think I didn't do enough or that somehow I caused his death. When this happens, my family jumps on me for this because it is so wrong. 

It is so amazing that I did not give a second thought to my own well-being when my son was in danger. It is is beautiful what I went through and continue to go through for my son. In a society that devalues life, family and suffering, I am proud to be a witness to the power of suffering. I continue to feel the effects of Peter's life and death in my mind, body, heart and soul. The preeclampsia that took his life still exists in my body, although it is not as dangerous anymore. And I'm ok with that. Because the world could always use a little extra redemptive suffering.