Tears are good

I used to be afraid to show my emotions to anyone. I would hide away and cry. But that was before Peter. My mother's heart cannot hold it in anymore. And I know that my tears show my love for him. Each one is seen by him and by my heavenly Mother and Father.

A week or two after I was released from the hospital, I was really struggling at night time. The time after my husband fell asleep and I fell asleep (usually 2-3 hours because of insomnia) was torture because then my thoughts would return to the night Peter died. It was dark, quiet and warm in the NICU and I still struggle at night. I would quietly cry myself to sleep as I remembered over and over the feeling of his limp, cool body on my chest; as his chest gently stopped moving. I still struggle to even think about that night. It's like I have a complete mental block.

That particular night, as I was sobbing, in between waking and sleeping, I had a vision. I saw myself crying really hard from the deepest recesses of my heart and tears just pouring down my cheeks. Then I saw an angel come down to me carrying a fancy silver bowl, the kind you would find in a palace. As I cried, the angel collected every one of my tears in the bowl and then took the bowl up to Heaven. The angel offered the bowl to God, who was seated on His throne. Peter was on his lap. As God took the bowl, Peter got this huge smile on his face and looked up at God. Then I fell asleep.

This has comforted me because the tears still sometimes fall unceasingly. Although I am tempted to brush them off as being too emotional, all we have to do is look at the Bible and see that Jesus cried. The son of God who is perfect in every way still cried when his friend Lazarus died. Even though he knew that he was going to raise him up from the dead. Is God not crying with us when we are sad? I sure like to think so.