Letting love in

I have changed since I started this blog over a year ago. It is much harder to write now than it used to be. I used to be very open about my grief, mostly because I had no choice. It was there constantly, and the only way to alleviate some of the feelings floating around in my head would be to write about them. Now that I am pregnant again it seems that I have been much more private about my feelings. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism, but it does not mean that I will not write. Even if I have to start the blog several times before I like it, I am determined that I will get my story out there for other mommas who need the encouragement and for others to shatter the silence there is around this subject. It took a lot of courage for me to announce my pregnancy. I have not been able to celebrate too much until recently. My fear and anxiety nearly got the best of me. No one could really realize how different pregnancy is after you have lost your baby unless you have lived it. Thankfully, I have a few friends who have been there, and one who is traveling the road with me step by step. The thing is, when you get pregnant for the first time, there are so many expectations, hopes and dreams. When you lose a baby or a young child, it is a loss unlike any other because you not only lose them, but you lose all your hopes and dreams for their future. You lose the chance to know them, and as you go along there is an almost palpable feeling that a part of your life is missing. Part of your heart is missing and nothing, not even other children, can fill that emptiness. When I found out I was pregnant this time, it was almost a feeling of shock and numbness. It took weeks before I could accept that I was indeed pregnant, and my first feeling was fear, not hope. Fear is a feeling that has followed me the whole time. What if I have a miscarriage? What if I get preeclampsia again? What if God takes this baby, too? I have allowed myself to feel, but not necessarily dwell on, these questions. It is hard to get emotionally attached when you are not sure if your heart will be broken in two again. As I move along, I have come to realize that God calls us to live in hope and not in fear. Love is not just a flowery feeling for Valentine's Day. True love chooses to keep loving even though there is a chance of getting hurt again and again. This child inside of me does not need my fear, he or she needs my love. So I have chosen to take the risk of loving he or she even though I know that things could go wrong again. God's grace has helped me to come to this decision. Our ultrasound pictures included one that looks like our baby is smiling at us, which I took as a sign that it was time to move past the fear and step out in faith.

Such a sweet smile captured my heart! I know it will not be easy, but this child deserves my love and my devotion. Even if the unthinkable happens, I know that I will feel so much worse if I did not let this child into my heart. And that is enough for me :)