Hanging on

I haven't posted in a little while because I didn't have anything special to say, but I realized that in sharing my day-to-day struggles I am also saying a lot. My main purpose in sharing this blog, besides healing myself and updating family and friends about my condition, is to put my grief in the open. Not just the happy, spiritual things, but the messy stuff. In my experience, not many people understand that grieving is a daily process that  does not go in a linear path. And it lasts for your entire life. You never know what it's going to be like when you wake up in the morning. It is always one step forward and then two steps back. That's what makes it frustrating.

I was doing pretty well for a week or so. Then it never fails that something brings it all back. When it rains, it pours. As soon as I break down about something, the next few days when I am sensitive emotionally is when I will see all the little baby boys and the pregnant women and the families together. Nick and I were at a hockey game, and out of all the people we could sit next to, there was a couple with a little 3 1/2 week old baby boy. It was loud and he was screaming at the top of his lungs because of the noise, but the parents just let him scream and cry. It made me mad and sad. I wiped my tears for about 15 minutes, but eventually I couldn't handle it and slumped on Nick. We had to change our seats. I am crying about even now.

It's not just the hockey games. It's going to the park and seeing families, and wondering if we are ever going to be like that; knowing that our family will always be one short. It's hearing about parents that abuse their children, knowing that we would have done anything just to have our little boy here to love and cherish. It's watching our friends grow their families when our house is so empty. It's seeing the new baby pictures, ultrasounds, and pregnant bellies when all we have is a tiny plot of grass in the cemetery. It's watching my husband cry his heart out, knowing I am helpless to ease his pain. And most of all, it's knowing that even through all this loss I may have permanently lost some of my health or my ability to carry a child.

We will have been married a year on June 16, which ironically is Father's day. We thought we would have a 2 week old by then. I am about a month away from my due date. We have been through things in 10 1/2 months that most couples don't go through in their entire marriages.

"How long, Lord? How long?" This is what the priest said in his homily at Peter's funeral. How long until we see His face? This world is just a valley of tears until we get to Heaven and see Jesus and our son. Oh how I long for Heaven, but I know I was left in this world to accomplish something big. I don't know what that is yet, but I pray I will find it soon. And I will honor my son in my life.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that daily life is not always pretty and there are a lot of questions, but I continue to hang on. Keep praying for us, and I pray for all of you too.

Take care,

Lauren