How am I doing?

I was thinking today that I haven't updated anyone about how I am feeling physically. About 2 weeks ago I saw my OB specialist again for my 6 week postpartum followup. Let me just say that I find it really hard to go there and be surrounded by pregnant women and babies. Pretty much every time I end up shaking uncontrollably. So I went to see my doctor and my blood pressure was almost 160/99. The doctor was worried that I had postpartum preeclampsia. They checked my urine and found trace amounts of protein. So they ordered more tests, another 24 hour urine sample (I hate those things!) and an echo cardiogram. 

My urine sample came back with significantly elevated protein levels. I was feeling really bad--nauseous, bad headache, pain where my liver is, swollen, etc. Praise the Lord, my heart is good, my blood pressure is stable and my blood work is good! I have an appointment with a nephrologist (kidney doctor) tomorrow, but assuming that everything is OK, I will take the diagnosis of my mfm doctor that I am still fighting a milder form of the preeclampsia I had before. I am still pretty swollen, my headache comes and goes, and I have been having some really bad reflux and sore throat from that, but I am hopeful that I will get to come off my blood pressure medicine soon. I will update when I have more news. I just want this nightmare to be over so I can feel better. I feel like still having the preeclampsia is a constant reminder that this disease took my son and almost took me.

So how are we doing emotionally? I guess all I can say is as well as possible. Writing on here has really helped me get some of my feelings out. We both still have good and bad days. Good Friday was really rough. We both still have some sleepless nights, but I am already finding such blessings through these trials. I wish my husband did not have to work 2 jobs just so we can have health insurance. He barely has time to grieve. I pray and suffer for him and for everyone we love.

I feel like I am trying to live my life to the fullest since Peter is not able to live his. I pray that he will send down blessings from Heaven to us. Unfortunately, because of the medicine and that I was so sick, I am left with a lot of holes in my memories of him. I am also having some other problems with short term memory. It pains and angers me that my memories of the short time I did have with my son are not even complete. Sometimes I feel somewhat normal, and then something will hit me and I will be crying again. Most of the time I just feel numb.

But overall, I just feel loved--by God, by our little St. Peter Joseph, by Nick, by my parents and his, by our friends, and by people I don't even know who have heard of our story, some of whom are on here. The more people I share our story with, the lighter the grief gets. So for those of you who have not met our son, here he is:

Our sweet, sweet, little guy. Mommy loves you.